Well, hello.

Welcome to 2010! Yeah, bit late I know, but I’m like public transport – I take my time, but I get there in the end. Except in the case of extreme snow. And staff shortages. And, y’know utter incompetence. But besides that, It’s all good.

In any case… I find myself sat here with a cup of coffee in my thinkin’ mug debating to myself what the next 12 months of wrestling will hold. I figured I would dig out the old crystal ball – don’t ask – and take a peek into the murky depths…

JANUARY

With the pseudo-resumption of the Monday Night Wars, TNA deal a fresh blow to the WWE with their latest inter-promotional raid – by deciding NOT to make a move for Michael Cole.

Scott Hall, amazingly, remains in a job.

FEBRUARY

Bret Hart is reportedly unhappy… he bought some furniture from Ikea, and after assembling it, was said to have complained about the screwjob.

Funaki escapes the latest round of releases, furthering the theory that he has polaroids of Randy Savage and Stephanie McMahon.

MARCH

Hulk Hogan decides enough is enough and he needs to step in the ring to try and save TNA. His match is scheduled for May, so with his mobility, he needs to start his walk to the ring now.

Vince McMahon kills off ECW, as expected. It’s replaced with an hour of Hornswoggle performing stand-up comedy.

APRIL

Randy Orton throws a freaky-deaky while he’s boarding a plane in Chicago, as someone in New York looks in his direction. American Airlines flight 309 is delayed as a result of a Boeing 737 being RKO’d on the tarmac.

Ring of Honor do something or other… nobody really notices.

MAY

Jeff Jarrett is through with TNA and looking for a job with the WWE after he finishes his quest to sleep with the wife of every man on the roster.

Jack Swagger wins a match… no wait, that’s a bit far fetched even for me.

JUNE

Dwayne Johnson decides that he likes wrestling again, mainly as he has a movie coming out that he needs to promote. Not that I’m being cynical or anything. John Cena nearly cries as he sees a proper movie star on Raw.

Jerry Lawler physically explodes live on air during a Divas match.

JULY

CM Punk loses a match to Charlie Haas on PPV as punishment for wearing a baseball cap that is dark blue instead of light blue. Somewhere in energy drink land, Bradshaw nods approvingly.

Chris Masters’ left pec is released from the WWE. TNA express an interest.

AUGUST

The DX merchandise machine suffers a blow as the DX bedding range has to be recalled. Apparently, the Triple H bed sheets refused to lay down.

AJ Styles breaks the laws of physics during a match and vanishes into the fourth dimension.

SEPTEMBER

TNA’s recruitment drive reaches new heights as Big Dick Johnson debuts on PPV and pins Kurt Angle for the title in a three minute squash.

Ted DiBiase is still awaiting his face turn.

OCTOBER

The wrestling world is in shock as Kevin Nash is shown on screen actually giving a damn. Nash apologises to his fans and promises never to let it happen again in a statement released from his solid gold hot tub.

The Bella Twins have no point. That’s not really a prediction, but I just thought I’d throw it out there.

NOVEMBER

Michael Cole‘s career may be over as the Oxford English Dictionary announces plans to strike “vintage“ from the dictionary.

Homicide is still trying to escape the Steel Asylum.

DECEMBER

Hulk Hogan is gone from TNA. He delivered a rousing 2 minute goodbye speech, but nobody noticed as it was buried in between The Nasty Boys eating donuts and Scott Steiner babbling incoherently about his arms.

Chris Jericho is still banned from Raw… despite being on the show every week so far this year.

~~~~~~~

And that’s that, folks. Stay tuned and see all these things happen! Maybe. In the meantime, have fun, go mad.

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