Well, hello. It’s that time of the month again! No, I’m not a woman, I don’t mean THAT time of the month… although I have been shoving chocolate down my gob like there’s no tomorrow – but I digress. That time of month, to be exact, when it’s WWE pay per view time. Conversely, as a subscriber to Sky Sports, this one is more or less free to me. In a nutshell, that’s why I’m watching it. Especially as there’s a live baseball match on ESPN at the same time!

As I’m watching it, I thought I’d do a little LIVE recap for all three of you that read.

— Well here we go, it’s starting. Sky Sports VOICEOVER MAN leads into a SD vs. Raw 2010 ad, then VOICEOVER MAN returns to warn us that if we enjoy Hornswoggle, then we’re going to the burny place downstairs eventually. He doesn’t actually say that, but you all know it’s true.

— Say what the hell you like – and I will – about the product in the ring, but WWE production and video packages still rule the wrestling world. Not even the miracle workers (Adam, the red headed kid) in the WWE can make Matt Striker’s voice sound any less like a whiny little bitch, though.

PYRO~~~!!! Michael Cole asks us “Are you ready to get Extreme?” and the urge to kill returns.

— TRIPLE H??? Triple H is the curtain jerker??? Or he would be, if he was there. I like this start, where Sheamus and his IRISH RAGE can’t be contained to just match time. Nice little variation on things. Trips took a hell of a beating, so much so that Sheamus actually garnered some heat as the crowd chant “Sheamus Sucks!”

— Dear God, I know I don’t talk to you much, but please strike down upon Michael Cole and make him dumb. Thank you. PS: Matt Striker, too.

— The Miz has the stick, and he’s doing what he does best – being smug. Love Big Show looking happy with himself when Miz calls him a giant. And love Miz going for the cheap heat by ragging on the home town Baltimore Orioles.

— Miz is talking and talking and talking… and Show freaks out. Love the relationship between these two!

— Dear God, remember me? I just spoke to you a minute ago? See while you’re busy, can you make R-Truth understandable to human beings? All I can hear is “Whassup? Whassup?” and some unintelligible nonsense. Thanks again!

— Neither Striker, Cole or Lawler mention the history with Miz & Morrison. Idiots.

— I hate R-Truth. OK, hate might be too strong a word. I despise him. He irritates me. I am irked by him. He is irk-some.

— Is Cole a good guy or bad guy tonight? I don’t know, if I wanna figure it out, I have to pay more attention to him than I really want to.

— Morrison DQ’d for not releasing the hold? Nice finish! Rules… erm… rule!!!

— Here comes Mark Henry, fresh from picking fights in bars all over Europe. Allegedly. Hi, Chavo!

— Wow, Show went over that top rope in slow motion. Love the finish of that section of the gauntlet, Show’s Big Punch O’ Doom is really over for being just a punch.

— And here’s the finest pairing in the WWE! And she’s bringing the Hart Dynasty with her!

— Wow. Quick finish, but understandable, and in my humble opinion, nicely booked. Crowd bought it and popped for the Harts.

— Extreme Rules, sponsored by Gillette? Never mind that, It’s CLOBBERIN’ TIME!!!

— Rey looks a bit like La Parka tonight, or is it just me? Gotta say, I love the little thing Rey does when he goes face to face with kids who have his mask on. It’ll make their day and make them a fan for life.

— Tony Chimmel talks over Matt Striker. Keep it up!

— Cole: “We’d like to thank the WWE Universe all over he world for being so hospitable. Except that one guy in Belfast, who Mark Henry ate as an in flight snack.”

— If these guys get longer than they had at Wrestlemania, this is gonna be a damn good match. Lawler and Strike bitching at each other is mildly amusing. More so than Cole and Lawler’s attempted hair jokes. Sheesh.

— Punk is brilliant in this smarmy, manipulative heel mode.

— Love Punk’s way of locking on the Gory Special… and then Rey reversing the move next time Punk tried to lock into it. Psychology, people. It’s not dead.

— It’s such an old school thing, but the OTT reaction to heels being ejected from ringside never fails to make me smile.

— Great match so far. Even so, I get the feeling that there’s so much more to come from these two, no matter the outcome of this match.

— Whoever the masked bloke under the ring was, he nearly lost his mask trying to get back to where he came from. Meantime, Punk, with a crazed look in his eyes (he looks like he cracked open a thermometer and drank too much *cough* Mercury *cough*) – hits the GTS and takes the win – against the odds, I would think too.

— WWE Draft tomorrow night. 3 hours of it too. Yay.

— Strap match now, and Chimmel helpfully explains that a ‘Superstar’ must touch the corners to win this match. I thought it was Shad and JTG in this match? BWAH hahaha!!!

— Something as simple as the crack of the strap in the arena and it makes the crowd react. Simple booking works again and again. So does getting Shad over as a BAD MAN by having him wail on JTG.

— Ah, the old tricks are the best – the face touching the corners behind the heel’s back? Classic. Not Vintage, for the record – classic.

— I want a KFC now. Really. My snacking of choice tonight, fact fans, has been Mackie’s Salt n Vinegar crisps, and Mackie’s Cheese and Onion crisps. The Salt n Vinegar ones edge out as favourites, for the record.

— Even Lawler is calling Orton “The Viper” now. Grrr.

— Swagger is all in black tonight. Like the Injustice League version of Swagger…

— In noting that this is an Extreme Rules match, not one of the announce team note that Swagger was the ECW Champion for an extended period of time. Granted it was the watered down, fun free version of ECW, but still. Should count for something, right?

— Did Swagger just go for The Punt? Nice! I’m liking the new focussed Swagger as opposed to the goofy push-up-doing Swagger we used to see.

— Striker points out that all Swagger’s offence is in ring grappling based… right after he suplexed Orton on the mat OUTSIDE THE RING and smashed his back into the ringside barrier, and the actual ring itself. D’oh!

— Crowd start popping for the RKO. Amazing, any time Orton is on the mat, peeps are convinced that an RKO is imminent.

— Speaking of peeps, where’s Christian on this PPV?

— The shoulder to the ring post spot is so overdone now… NO! Black screen as Swagger brings a belt into the ring!

— While the silence from Cole and Striker’s inane wittering is nice, the return of the feed is welcomed back in this household.

— Nice spot with Orton lifting the belt into Swagger as he tries a Vader bomb. Dunno if Orton is really into his character or if he’s a little upset with Swagger going by the Regal-esque forearm in the face as he pinned him.

— Will there be blood in this “Extreme” match? And if there is, will the match be stopped to mop it up? Pah!

— Wonder if Swagger and Orton will be in trouble for those garbage can shots? They looked a little harsh and Swagger didn’t protect himself. Not as harsh as the Rob Terry/Homicide shot from a few weeks back, but goes against the latest WWE instruction.

— Orton’s lead in to the RKO is a thing a beauty… the lying on the floor, punching the mat… just fits his character brilliantly.

— YES! Clean win for Swagger – EXACTLY what was needed for him. Kudos to Swagger AND Orton for this match, both of them worked hard and made it watchable. Orton getting some heat back afterwards with a random RKO outta nowhere doesn’t hurt Swagger, and fit’s the Orton character perfectly too.

— Sheamus! And his PIPE OF DOOM! I thought he was gonna give the pipe some tongue action there…

— Here comes Trips – it’s ON! If they do this right, and they have so far tonight, they can put Sheamus over huge, and Trips won’t lose any heat due to his “injuries”

— Cole: “Sheamus is one bad dude!” – just shoot me now… or preferably, Cole.

— Give Trips his credit – he’s selling that neck/arm beautifully.

— Loving this match. Sheamus is dominating physically, and Trips is using his experience to just hang in there, but still selling his “injuries” – Trips is on his game tonight, and Sheamus is benefiting hugely from it. Given the fact that the two are friends, then it might be understandable.

— One handed cane shots for the most part by Trips, still selling that nerve injury. Nice. And Sheamus has a back you could play Tic Tac Toe on, the amount of red lines on it now!

— Sheamus takes the win after FOUR big kicks. Good match for me, I know a lot of peeps on the net are gonna pick it to pieces and poke at the booking… but I dig it. So Nyer!

— NICE touch with Sheamus coming out of nowhere for one last kick! HA!

— Edge looks as demented as ever. Granted, Josh Matthews has that effect on a lot of people.

— Women’s match. Toilet break!

— Back now, sadly McCool’s entrance takes so long I haven’t missed this match

— Is it still going? I’ve lost the will to live.

— FINALLY, it’s over. Thank the stars, as it means McCool is off the TV for the night. That woman irritates the living bejeebus out of me!

— CAGE LOWERING MUSIC!!! Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum!!! That’s me happy!

— Will Chimmel sound like he’s on helium as he introduces the Rated R Sooooooperstar?

— Yup!

— Edge still has way too many teeth for a human being, surely?

— Not usually a fan of cage matches, and a sanitised blood free WWE PG version doesn’t fill me with hope either.

— Matt Striker just referenced David Beckham’s Achilles injury. O…. kay…

— The Spear chant is starting, apparently from the upper rafters. Maybe it’s Sting!

— This is where cage matches fall down for me. Convoluted and over dramatic climbing of the cage and stalling at the top. Annoys me! Same as slow climbing in ladder matches…

— Jericho keeps covering his forehead… is he *whisper* bleeding? Nope, don’t see anything. Jericho is out of the cage, but stays on the stairs so he can go inflict some more punishment on Edge rather than claim the victory. Any bets that’s gonna come back and haunt him?

— Gore! Gore! GORE!!! Oh, sorry… Spear! Spear! SPEAR!!!

— Very slow paced match. The spot on top of the cage with them trading blows appears to be in slow motion.

— WOW! Springboard code breaker from the top rope! Now that looked sweet!

— “Stay Down! Stay Down!” – Chris Jericho yelling at Edge, or Michelle McCool renewing her push backstage with The Undertaker?

— This is just too damn long now. We’re approaching Bret vs. Vince territory now for being overbooked.

— Finally… Edge with the Spear gets the W – and Chimmel goes stratospheric again! Brilliant! Listen out for it, it’s fantastic!

— Last Man Standing up next, I presume… and the DAVE~~~!!! Retirement tour.

— Again, the WWE makes these video packages like nobody else. Brilliant build up for the Cena/DAVE match.

— Heeeeeere’s DAVE~~~!!!

— Dave is in the ring, looking quite smug and happy with himself; like the man who got the last bourbon cream out of the biscuit barrel.

— Sounds like a split crowd tonight, possibly more on the anti-Cena side than pro-Cena. Good.

— Strangely, looking forward to this one. Cena and Dave have this weird chemistry together, they should stink the place up together, but it just clicks. No idea why, but enjoy it while it’s here.

— There’s that ring post spot again! Beginning to hate it now.

— Wooo! A Wrestling move from Dave! A Submission too! Wowzer!

— This match lends itself well to both men; it lets them get frequent rests while the ref counts to 10, without looking lazy. Well, too lazy.

— Big FU/Attitude Adjustment – Dave landed solidly on the chair in an impressive visual.

— Did Dave REALLY open a toolbox to look for a TABLE???

— Kid: “I Hate you Batista!” Dave snaps round and yells “I Hate you too!!!” – Heel Dave is awesome!

— Another impressive visual as Cena just explodes through the ringside barrier – and Dave has flipped out! Striker is busy trying to explain that this intense Batista is great, and then has to dodge as Dave throws one of the monitors at him, fairly hard too. Hit him! Hit him!

— Batista sets up to Batista Bomb Cena through a table – Cole: “No! No! He has a bad neck!!!”

— Batista Bomb, reversed into an FU/Attitude Adjustment from the ring stairs through the announce table – looked fantastic.

— HUGE spine buster through a table from Dave – awesome height on that. This match has been booked perfectly, the big moves look absolutely massive.

— SuperCena returns as he pops up like a jack-in-the-box at 9. First irritation of the match. Not bad for a Cena match,

— Your NEW WWE Champion – Duct Tape!!!

— OK, I will say – that’s an ingenious finish. That match might not have been a five star technical classic, but it was never going to be. If it’s Dave’s last match, or one of them, then he’s gone out on a high. Nicely booked match, with some big spots and a unique finish.

Cena celebrates as the show goes off air. It’s 4am, so I’m off to my kip now. Overall? Not as bad as I feared it was going to be coming into the show – and really good in some places. Not a home run, by any means, but not a train wreck either. If you haven’t seen it, catch a replay, worth it for the Punk/Rey, Swagger/Orton and Cena/DAVE matches.

Have fun, go mad…

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