Yup, very illuminating title for today’s blog. It refers to the five players in football that just make me furious! I’m a very calm individual most of the time, despite what certain people would have you believe. There are few things that get me annoyed enough to rant and rave. However, put certain footballers in front of me, and I will go off. Various reasons for them, and none of them are anything more than petty… but here are the worst offenders.

Joey Barton

Where to start? The man’s a thug. If he transferred to Celtic, I would cry and probably puke. He’s like Robbie Savage, without the restraint – if such a thing is possible. At one point, he was a damn fine footballer, but then came his extra-curricular activities and ill advised choice of ashtray. The man should be playing in a Sunday pub league somewhere, where he can drink and fight to his heart’s content. Idiot.

Allan McGregor

Again, where to start? He thinks he’s a ladies man, when in actuality, he’s just a target for pneumatic, blonde bimbos and their desire to bag a footballer and sell the story to whichever paper is downmarket enough to splash the cash. On top of this, he’s an arrogant, smug little so-and-so – check out his reaction to the Cameron House booze-gate incident – he sat on the bench and made little snarky middle finger gestures to the press, who he felt made it into something more than it was. Maybe they did, but really mature response, Allan. You’re just a daft wee boy who can’t even get the Latin on your tattoos spelled right.

“Wee” Barry Ferguson

If McGregor can claim to be immature, Wee Barry was supposedly the “elder statesman” of Scottish football. Often given a free pass due to his position as the blue eyed boy and skipper of Rangers, he inexplicably captained the national side during one of his roughest spells of form. He wasn’t good enough to hold down a place in the Blackburn team, so how the hell could he be Scottish captain? He isn’t as good as he thinks he is, or the Scottish media make him out to be. Another arrogant wee sod, he decided to take his talents to Birmingham, where Alex McLeish would build a team to protect his lack of speed, lack of vision and general lack of interest in anything other than himself. And the Scottish press held it’s breath while he decided whether or not to return to the Scotland team! WHY??? Stay away, for the love of God, stay away.

Javier Mascherano

Mascherano just annoys the living hell out of me. He gets a move, seems happy for a year, then becomes “unsettled” at the first mention of another club showing an interest. For me, he’s an average player. He doesn’t score, he doesn’t run games the way the vastly superior Xavi Alonso does, he just narks at people. He’s one of those niggly players who is happiest when mouthing at a ref, aiming fly kicks at opponents or winding up fans. Hopefully Rafa will take him to Inter… and throw Lucas in as part of the deal too.

Liam Miller

And here is my number one target of ire – yes, ire – in football. Liam Miller. A man who suffered serious leg injuries during his early career at Celtic. A man who was given a contract extension during those injuries as an act of good faith. A man who should have repaid that good faith when he started to show some talent on the pitch. How did he do this? At best, hopped to Manchester United first chance. At worst, LIED to the team and drove himself to Old Trafford on a day off to have a secret medical and sign a deal under Celtic’s nose, according to several stories. His career COULD have been great. But it went Man Utd, to Leeds, to Sunderland, to QPR and then to obscurity running in circles in the Hibs midfield… if he retired tomorrow, I would do nothing but laugh.

Issues? Me? Ha! You Don’t know the half of it… Have fun, go mad.

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