So, Sunday was the big Old Firm derby. As is usual, I watched while having Tweetdeck open and tweeted every so often *ahem* about what was going on. Someone mentioned I’d “done a Kevin Smith” so… here’s my version of his famous collections of tweets, or SMonologues. If you don’t follow football, this won’t mean a lot. So… um… sorry!

Oh, and be warned… very sweary. VERY very sweary. Again, sorry.

It should be noted, these tweets are in reverse chronological order – the oldest is at the bottom. Ta!

  • Ouch, cut the tension with a knife as Charlie speaks and Lennon tries ever so hard to dingy him… #oldfirm
  • Neil McCann really is simpering twat. Ideal football analyst, in other words
  • To sum up the #OldFirm game… the team in green was slightly less shite than the team in blue; Glasgow will go to war tonight, news at 10
  • Now I can stop following the Old Firm hashtag, full of stupid wee lassies that can’t even spell swear words right throwing hissy fits
  • Graham Spiers, Jim Traynor, Tam Cowan, Jim White, Rob McLean, Chic Young… Chic Young! Your boys took a HELL of a beating #OldFirm
  • Look at those LOVELY blue seats in the Rangers end. Magnificent. #OldFirm
  • C’mon Celts, don’t forget we have Walter-Time to play out too #OldFirm
  • Shocker of the day at the #OldFirm game – The Derry Pele is gonna last the 90 minutes!
  • Laught-At-Me : Diving bastard! #OldFirm
  • Rangers hopes of winning this game vanishing quicker than Steven Whittaker’s hair #OldFirm
  • How can the kid in a shirt with the same number as Davie Weir’s age go down with cramp? What’s with the youth of today #OldFirm
  • booking for Laugh-At-Me. Can he get himself sent off just to really make my day? #OldFirm
  • Kenny Miller once again proving he’s just a ned in a jersey #OldFirm
  • C’mon Celtic… don’t do the usual and switch off with a 2 goal lead… #OldFirm
  • Samaras must REALLY want that move to Lazio! #OldFirm
  • STAY ON THE PITCH! STAY ON THE PITCH!!! #OldFirm
  • PENALTY!!! To CELTIC??? At IBROX??? Is this for real??? #OldFirm
  • Oh goody, here comes Kyle Laugh-At-Me to calm things down a little #OldFirm
  • Assist for that goal goes to wee Jimmy behind the goal line, who yelled to McGregor that there was a brunette on the halfway line #OldFirm
  • OK given that I’ve been ripping Samaras all afternoon, Mulgrew will take this free kick… #OldFirm
  • Did I shout EXTRA LOUD to annoy the fuckpuppets upstairs? Oh yes, I think I did. Ho hum.
  • Allan McGregor went wandering off his line like Leah Shevlin was in the net #OldFirm
  • Oh, Giorgios Samaras, how I’ve ALWAYS LOVED YOU 😉 #OldFirm
  • What does Jamie Ness win for guessing Davie Weir’s age with his shirt number? #OldFirm
  • Weiss went down like Charlie Mulgrew’s chances of endorsing Mothercare #OldFirm
  • The whole world is watching the #OldFirm – shame the games are usually as dull as an Alan Bennett play
  • Half time, and 0-0 in the #OldFirm. Mulgrew needs to calm the fuck down, Samaras needs to fuck the fuck off :/
  • Who bottled that 50-50 ball more, Izaguerre or Boughera? #OldFirm
  • Samaras has spent more time running his hands through his hair than he has touching the ball. #OldFirm #BecauseHesNotWorthIt
  • Rumoured that Lazio want Samaras; for what, a ball boy??? #OldFirm
  • Will McCulloch realise who kicked him and exact revenge, or will he just go after anything that moves, as usual? #OldFirm
  • Big question at half time: Will Kenny Miller remember which side he plays for? #OldFirm
  • FFS Samaras! Actually SPRINT after something for once! #OldFirm
  • Grow the FUCK up, Mulgrew. You’re an embarrassment to the hoops #OldFirm
  • McGregor pounced on that ball like it was a blonde in a nightclub #OldFirm
  • Not often it happens, but sometimes, football means nothing in Glasgow compared to some things. Well done #OldFirm fans. Beautiful.
  • Nice to see John Greig and Billy McNeill leading out the teams #OldFirm
  • Ljungberg has a virus? Was he shitting himself at the thought of the #OldFirm game?
  • #Celtic team intrigues and worries me in equal measure. McCourt, Forrest and Kayal? Good. Samaras and Mulgrew? Bomb scare stuff :/
  • Hope to fuck our fans observe the minute’s silence today. Those people on the staircase 40 years ago deserve that dignity at least.
  • Finally get round to watching the BBC doc on Ibrox disaster. Heartbreaking stuff. Hard to fathom it, even now.

It’s clear, I do have an irrational hatred of Georgios Samaras, Allan McGregor’s faithfulness, Charlie Mulgrew’s parenting skills and Steven Whittaker’s hair. Ho-hum.

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