The Live Wire – Extreme (Rules) Edition

Powered by crisps, milk and perhaps stupidity, your typed live guide to WWE Extreme Rules as it happened.

Well, hello. It’s that time of the month again! No, I’m not a woman, I don’t mean THAT time of the month… although I have been shoving chocolate down my gob like there’s no tomorrow – but I digress. That time of month, to be exact, when it’s WWE pay per view time. Conversely, as a subscriber to Sky Sports, this one is more or less free to me. In a nutshell, that’s why I’m watching it. Especially as there’s a live baseball match on ESPN at the same time!

As I’m watching it, I thought I’d do a little LIVE recap for all three of you that read.

Continue reading “The Live Wire – Extreme (Rules) Edition”

Rollin’ back the years

Turning the clock back to a time when I did something useful!

You may or may not know this, but back “in the day” I used to be the editor of SmashWrestling.com – we like to think we were a decent little site, and had a loyal, if not huge following. My “job” was to keep the main page ticking over; change the polls, edit the headlines, that sort of thing. All this was in addition to keeping the newsboard ticking over.

We had a few dedicated reporters that posted as well, but me being me, I enjoyed being somewhat of a workaholic and did a lot of it myself. We only posted news that had a reputable source. We also wouldn’t just cut n’ paste, we rewrote the stories, but made sure to credit the original site in a proper manner, and had no pop-ups or blind ad links. Little things, but we liked to think it gave us an edge over a lot of the sensationalist sites out there that posted all sorts of rumours and nonsense.

Why am I telling you this now? Well, for ONE DAY ONLY~~~!!! the old news hound in me returned, and wrote this post about John Cena being interviewed on SkySports News…

John Cena interviewed on UK TV about being stranded

The UK’s SkySports News ran a short interview with WWE star John Cena regarding the travel disruption faced by the Raw roster. Cena, wearing a suit and tie, was speaking from Belfast, where the Raw roster have been stuck since all flights in and out of the UK were grounded due to ash from the eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland

Cena: “It’s never a problem, we tour the United Kingdom about twice a year, usually in April and November, we’re actually coming back in November and looking forward to it. We’ve had a fantastic stay here in Belfast. I know selfishly, all the WWE Superstars are wishing to get home to their families, but every day we kinda congregate and look each other and say it could be a lot worse.

We look at people in the news who are literally stranded. We’re in a fantastic city, Belfast has been just overly gracious as a host to us and we’re making do. We certainly could have it a lot worse.

When asked about the difficulties of travel, and how much driving was involved, Cena said: “Yeah we actually made a decision about halfway through our tour, to finish the tour. We had a couple of days that actually involved 40 hours of straight travel, just to make sure that we got to certain towns in the UK and in Europe. Belfast was our last stop, and we said we’re gonna make it, no matter what.  So we did two shows at the Odyssey, they were fantastic shows, great response, and we’ve been vacationing here ever since. It’s a great place to be, a lot of character here and it’s a fun unscheduled holiday for a lot of the superstars.

Cena added: “Personally I’m hoping to get back as soon as I can. Ihink everybody has business to take care of, I’ve personally been travelling since the week before WrestleMania, which would be the last week in March. I’d just like to get home and check my mailbox. I haven’t had a vaction in 8 years, so like I said, an unscheduled holiday and certainly happy to have it.

Yeah, it’s not much… but it just made me a little nostalgic. Feel free to shake your head at me if you wish!

Live Wire does Live Raw

Tales of limeade, late night wrestling and The Hoff…

Well, hello. It’s 1:55am, I’m sat in front of the TV waiting on Raw, which is airing “as live” from the UK, even though it finished over 2 hours ago. I’ve been a good boy and haven’t looked at the spoilers, so yay me! Little bit of background info – I’ve had the day from hell, losing my wallet, so a good Raw is just what the doctor ordered.

Your (or my, at least) snacks of choice are Barr’s Limeade, Nik Naks (in Spicy, Rib and Pickled Onion varities) and new Caramel biscuits from Cadburys. I’ll give ‘em a go, they were cheap.

2:00am Here we go, it’s THE SKY VOICEOVER MAN~~~!!! Followed by the WWE video clip opener, and straight into the Raw theme and credits.

2:01am Fireworks inside the O2 arena in London as Michael Cole’s nasal whine already annoys me after less than a minute.

2:03am KNIGHT RIDER THEME~~~!!! It’s The Hoff, and he’s driving KITT… and the Knight Rider music fades into The Hoff’s “Jump In My Car” – this is already the best guest host entrance, ever. Fact. You can’t deny it.

2:04am “Finally, The Hoff has come back to Raw” – Know something? This guy is awesome. He’s ragging on his career, his image and even his drinking. Love this guy, in a manly pat-on-the-back kinda way.

2:05am Hoff is really doing a good job in the ring, here. I’m slightly amazed, and more than a little stunned.

2:06am Hoff stays in the ring as Eve Torres makes her entrance, and even dances with her. He vacates the premises before Maryse arrives, however. I myself use this opportunity to pour a drink, as frankly, I cannot stand Maryse. At all.

2:09am The Caramel biscuits are nice, for future reference.

2:10aam In the ring, the blonde one is laughing at the non blonde one, and there’s lots of slapping and screaming… oh, Eve wins. I presume Maryse is injured again? Meh…. and the crowd went mild.

2:11am ShowMiz! Walking! With belts! Michael Cole says they are about to make an Earth shattering announcement. Big Show is switching allegiances to Whoppers instead of Big Macs? We go to ads, and I ponder the imponderables… like… Why did they stop making Tab Clear? Where did Vanilla Coke go, too?

2:15am Floaty Raw logo signifies someone pressed the button too soon. Tut tut…

2:16am Show and Miz have mics and they’re talking. Miz just asked “Who better than Big Show?” which reminds me how much I miss Kanyon. Poor guy.

2:18am Heeeeeeeeere’s Bret! Man, he looks old and broken down walking down that aisle. It’s a shame.

2:19am “I’d put a sharpshooter on you faster than you could put a pair of cheap sunglasses on an ugly kid” — Miz

2:21am The Hart Dynasty are here. Gotta say, they look the business when they storm down to ringside like that. Oh, and Natalya? Raaaawr!

2:22am DH Smith speaks! He wants Miz one on one, and if he wins, title shot at Extreme Rules. Miz agrees despite Big Show’s concerns, but on the condition that if (Miz adds “when” to this equation) wins, Bret has to declare that ShowMiz are the greatest tag team next week on Raw…

2:24am Hart Family huddle… It’s Son of Bulldog vs. Mouth of Miz… and it’s NEXT!

2:26am Ads. A plug for Ricky Gervais and his new film. Let me right now just veer off into a side issue and say that Channel 4’s list of the top 100 stand ups for 2010 was horrific. Ricky Gervais at number 3??? Not just that, but one place HIGHER than the mighty Bill Hicks? Awful. Someone needs slapping for that one. As I finish venting, the floaty Raw Logo tells me we’re back.

2:28am DH Smith gets a cover and Natalya jumps up and down excitedly. Careful, love, you’ll give yourself a pair of black eyes if you’re not careful…

2:30am Delayed vertical suplex from DH… nice little touch, nodding to his father.

2:31am Smith is good but still learning his trade… lots of nice little touches that bode well for his future, hopefully. Works the crowd well… OK, if this crowd weren’t DEAD then he would. The guy in the ring is the son of The British Bulldog, yet the London crowd are sitting on their hands for the most part, even when DH slaps on the Sharpshooter.

2:33am Miz takes the win after outside interference from Show’s Hellboy-esque Right Hand Of Doom. Bret might just hold a grudge over this. Poor ShowMiz, they’ll be hearing about this for the next 13 years…

2:35am and it’s another break. Man, the Americans sure do like adverts; Raw always has loads of them! Even though this is technically a recorded show, bet we have an over-run on the end. How can it be called an over-run when it’s the same EVERY WEEK? Never understand that.

2:36am Not watching TNA right now… who knows what’s going on over there in RussoLand? Orlando Jordan could be fellating a goat in the ring right now. Hell, Jeff Hardy might even be making sense… na, wait, that’s too far, even for Russo…

2:39am We’re back, and it’s a recap of last week’s borefest with David Otunga. Something about that guy I don’t like, but his robotic, wooden delivery of his lines is right at the forefront.

2:41am I love the very simple image of Batista standing in the spotlight over a fallen John Cena as he declares a Last Man Standing match for Extreme Rules.

2:42am Otunga is DAVE’s coffee boy bitch! Hey, KITT is better at promo work than Otunga is! I swear Hoff’s either having the time of his life or drunk off his ass… and guess what? Another break!

2:45am Peeps in the UK will get this: If I find out who the hell wrote that Halifax “ISA ISA BABY” ad, I will hunt them down and gut them like a fish. That is all.

2:47am Oh, it’s a draft plug as Michael Cole fakes some enthusiasm. Shocker, eh? In the ring it’s Evan Bourne vs. Carlito. Guessing that Carlito is doing the job to a SSP here…

2:49am Cole declares himself a big Knight Rider fan as he rhymes off some trivia that Vince McMahon must have printed out from The Internet for him. Don’t try and be cool, you’re still a goatee wearing insincere jumped up accountant fuckwit.

2:51am Nobody in the crowd gives a damn about this match, because nobody cares about Carlito anymore. Or Evan Bourne outside of the SSP, to be fair. Such a horrific job of pushing him. We keep getting told by Cole that he’s exciting and high energy… yet he gets nothing to do bar being wheeled out to hit the SSP on Random Jobber of the Week, or be fed to monster heels as cannon fodder. Shocking.

2:52am I want to claw my own eyes out – after the break is Otunga vs. Cena. I can hardly wait.

2.53am That was sarcasm, by the way.

2:56am missed the ads as I was in the bathroom, making sure I had nothing left in me to barf up when Cena arrives…

2:57am SHUT UP MICHAEL COLE!!! Who cares about Raw being the longest running episodic whatever-the-fuck-you-say-every-week?

2:58am Otunga just fills me with apathy, and the bland NXT theme music does him no benefit either.

2:59am Bell rings and I’m already bored!

3:01am Is this… wrestling from Cena? Wow, Otunga is so bad, CENA is out wrestling him!

3:02am DAVE’s trousers are unfeasibly shiny.

3:03am Otunga takes weird looking bumps off of Cena’s suplexes. Just looks weird to me… maybe not, but meh. And Cena doesn’t even need to pay attention to what’s going on in the ring. An absolute demolition of Otunga. Compare that showing to how AmDrag Daniel Bryan did against Chris Jericho, and you see who the WWE are behind.

3:04am Dave and his shiny trousers are in the spotlight as DAVE rips his jumper, shirt and vest off… then walks away. Kinda counter productive and a waste of good clothes, but hey, nobody said he was a brainbox.

3:06am Michael Cole tries turning Raw into a zoo as we have The VIPER~~~!!! vs. The Animal later tonight… and the standard bimbo match. No doubt The Bellas will have top billing in that. Vince must be doing one or both of them on the side, the amount of exposure they get on Raw for no apparent reason,

3:08am Watching the ads, I really want an X-Box 360. Someone buy me one. You. Yes, that’s right, you. Get me one. Go on. Please?

3:09am Sky Movies HD ad. See when you’re buying me my X-Box? Get me an HD TV while you’re at it, there’s a good chap.

3:11am This is one long ad break, most of them Sky ads. Has someone pulled the wrong cable out of the magic box?

3:12am The floaty Raw logo of spinning awesomeness tells me no, they haven’t.

3:13am Cole and Lawler GET POLITICAL~~~!!! for a while… until Cole wets himself at a shot of Big Ben. That he must have seen every time WWE work a London show. Grrr.

3:14am Here’s Sheamus! Every time I hear his theme music, I just hear the words as “These words are true, and I’ll make love to you”. I think I need new medication…

3;15am “Street Foight” – awesome. Ooooo calling London a “Fallen Empire” – nice. Even enough to inspire some random, inaudible chant that may have been heat.

3:16am Here’s Kofi. This is not gonna end well for Kofi, I feel. Shame for Kofi, he seems to be on the road to becoming Iron Mike Sharpe for this generation. No glass shattering anywhere at this time…

3:17am Why do all the wrestlers throw their shirts into the same part of the crowd? Is there some kind of shirt eating monster there???

3:18am Cole hasn’t said “controlled frenzy” yet. There is a God.

3:21am Decent little match, Kofi hasn’t been destroyed, and had a believable near fall… then Sheamus gets DQ’d for using a monitor as a weapon. Haven’t the WWE heard of flat screen TV’s yet? Sheamus is going to do BAD BAD THINGS to Kofi now to let you know that he’s a bad bad man.

3:22am There’s something about Sheamus… he’s like an old school monster heel. He’s not top line material, but there is potential there. Let him mow through the card doing this kind of demolition job and he might just get over. Feeding him down our throats Rocky Maivia style just ain’t gonna work these days.

3:28am Back from the kitchen with a full glass of limeade… just in time to see a trailer for Sky’s awful A League Of Their Own quiz show… James Corden would eat himself if he was made of chocolate. Quite frankly, he looks like he’s eaten a few people…

3:29am Carlito and Kozlov on screen cutting a promo together? Carlito saying that his career, his livelihood is going nowhere. Shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments, anybody? Kozlov threatens to destroy the guest hosts next week, the cast of some movie I’ve never heard of.

3:31am Love how Orton has a shot at the World Champion… who is on Smackdown. Brand extension be damned!

3:32am It’s THE VIPER~~~!!! And he’s scaring Josh Matthews!

3:33am It’s The Hoff. I’m sure he’s drunk… oh dear me… the Divas are running to the ring in swimsuits and in slow motion… It’s Kelly Kelly (so blonde they named her twice) and Gail Kim (who really must be getting paid tons more than she did in TNA to put up with this crap) and we’re going to a break.

3:35am Red Bull ad? I’ll take Inferno Relentless, thank you very much. Red Bull is overpriced and just for ponces who want to be seen with a cool brand name. Mixxed Up Energy Drink from Lidl tastes the same and is only 30p a can!

3:37am Here’s the pointless Bellas. No Raw is complete without them, after all. Hey, even Santino gets a slow-mo entrance.

3:38am It’s shit like this match that makes people embarrassed to admit to being wrestling fans, seriously.

3:40am One of the interchangeable Bella bimbos wins. Meanwhile, Santino has swallowed his whistle. Oh joy… Here comes Hornswoggle to rescue Santino from choking by hitting him with a tadpole splash as the Divas manage to applaud and breathe at the same time, miraculously. This is just painful to watch…

3:43am Great placement of a Kwik Fit ad featuring KITT. Someone pays attention to what they’re doing. And that 90 second ad was better than the previous 5 minutes of “entertainment” on Raw. Go figure.

3:45am Skechers Shape Ups? They look as uncomfortable as Ric Flair speaking to a divorce lawyer…

3:48am And here’s the “How great are the WWE?” video package for the European tour. To be fair, it does look like everyone involved does appreciate the fans, if not the travelling.

3:50am THE VIER~~~!!! Slithers to the ring for his match with Dave.

3:51am Love Dave’s heel entrance. No pyro, no fancy effects, just him, a spotlight and his character defined in one act. Brilliant.

3:53am Dave is such a bastard when he’s heel, and he revels in it. Putting Orton in with him is a smart move, as Orton’s tweener character just feeds off it – Orton can still be the ruthless, sadistic self absorbed nutcase he has been the past year and get the fans on his side without any trouble or character shift.

3:55am As we go to break it just occurs to me that if Orton does go full on face, I hope the WWE won’t overload it, complete with Cole trying to bleat on about how his actions of the past year can be explained or reasoned out. I have little faith in this happening, however.

3:57am Love this Adidas ad. Dunno why, as it seems to have N-Dubz in it. Sometimes, can’t help what you like, peeps.

3:58am Dave unloads on Orton outside the ring, and this match is slow paced and methodical. Not like the usual TV main event where it’s just hit spot after spot and finisher-finisher-done. Liking this. It’s not a classic, but it’s a break from the norm.

4:00am That shoulder into the steel ring post through the turnbuckle spot is a bit overdone now. Almost every big match has it now. The fans seemingly wake up long enough to chant for the RKO, then hit the duelling Boo-Yay chants as Randy and Dave slug it out.

4:01am Orton is pulling the RKO twitching. Some dorkm in the front row in a Cena shirt with fake tan and dyed blonde hair – he looks like a bad pint of Guinness 0 is intent on getting on camera by copying Orton’s ring post pose. Grrr!

4:03am Orton hits Dave with the rope assisted DDT and falls to the mat, ready to POUNCE like a VIPER~~~!!! Randy’s punching the mat must have tipped Dave off, as he blocks the RKO, hit’s a spine buster and starts stamping his feet signalling for the Batista Bomb. That must tip Randy off, as he counters into an RKO. Nice sequence to finish, but before the pin can be counted, Jack Thwagger runs in and gets Batista DQ’d

4:05am John Cena runs in and slaps Dave in an STF until Dave passes out, then freaks out and looks like his arms might just explode. Cena symbolically counts to ten with his fingers standing over Dave. Is it the only way Cena can reach ten? It’s a question we may never know the answer to as the show goes off air.

4:06am As Raw goes off, I go to my bed. G’night folks… have fun, go mad.

It’s mania… WrestleMania!

How one man and a ton of junk food spent a Sunday evening…

WrestleMania recap

Well, hello. So that was WrestleMania 26… After all the hype, all the hoo-hah and all the buzz, was it worth it? For me, yup, it was. I really enjoyed it as a whole. Sure, there were a few down points and some dead spots, but as a whole card – I thought it came across as suitably “WrestleMania” big.

One thing badly missing? Jim Ross. Wasn’t quite the same hearing the big end of card matches without JR calling them, especially as Cole, King & Striker were just flat out awful. At one point, Cole was eminently watchable, mainly when he was paired with either JBL or Taz… but since he’s been bundled with Lawler on Raw, he’s been back to his worst. Matt Striker’s goal to fit in as many smart, smarmy comments and in-jokes and trying to pin new nicknames on people is immensely irritating.

The stage itself looked great – the video pyramid was impressive, and the outdoor ring looked great. With the usual WrestleMania length ramp, Poor DAVE had to walk to the ring or he’d have been gassed before the first bell!

I thought that the crowd, however, were awful. If I could get to a WrestleMania, I wouldn’t be going there to sit on my hands and just watch. There were times when they were just silent and it put a dent into the big match feeling of some of the bouts.

The tag match was first up, and while it got things off to a hot start – it was way too short! Just about 3 and a half minutes? Really? That would be an ongoing feeling of the show, a lot of the matches felt rushed – on a FOUR HOUR show, that was a bit weird. Back to the match, I loved how Miz and Show reacted to their win – nice to see some actual excitement from anyone. Oh, and I didn’t understand a single word of R-Truth’s rap, as per usual. Give it UP!

Kinda shocked to see Orton up next, but I guess when the show is that stacked, someone has to take one for the team. This match, while predictable in it’s outcome was snappy, had some neat spots, and for once, I thought Orton played his role beautifully. He acted like the crafty veteran outfoxing the young guns. The double DDT spot was fun, and his histrionics before punting Young Cody and RKOing Young Ted fitted perfectly this time. The crowd actually bought into this one, several pro-Randy chants going. Played right, this guy is the next Austin type rebel face in waiting. Watch them blow it…

Two WrestleMania staples next, pointless backstage comedy from Santino and Mae Young. Guess everyone has to get on the big card somehow…

Money In The Bank surprised on a few levels – Shelton didn’t have a big spot, and Jack Swagger won! The match was quick, fast paced and very few low points. Innovative spots in a few places – notably how the two ladders were placed horizontally and Kofi’s incredible ladder stilt spot – and some big (but safe) bumps from the usual suspects made this fly by. Not sure how Swagger is going to cash in, and even less sure how he’s going to benefit… but, a nice swerve if a little too out of left field, perhaps.

Trips in the mid card? Makes me think there’s a title push gonna happen soon as a “reward” for his placement. As for the match? Well, even though Trips took the win, Sheamus definitely came across as a legit threat. I though the match was a great example of how you can work a power brawling style without resorting to weapon shots, blood and external shenanigans. Sheamus’ kick looks really good, and a loss in that style does him no harm.

It’s a crime that Punk & Mysterio only got about 6 minutes! They looked really sharp together, and it was looking like it was going to be the epic that I expected, and then it was over! Hopefully, they will get a chance to have a longer match, either on SmackDown or on the next PPV – the two guys looked like they could put on a hell of a match. Gotta love Punk’s gimmick just now, he’s really rocking the Charles Manson cult image. Give them more time!

If it was a crime that Punk & Rey only got 6 minutes, it was even more of a crime that Bret & Vince got over 10. Bret was a great wrestler in his day, but this clearly isn’t his day anymore. His usefulness now HAS to be as a mouthpiece or ambassador, as he has no use in the ring. It was painful watching him stumble around that ring last night. There were brief glimpses of what he was – he still locks on the Sharpshooter better than anyone ever has or will – but I was actually pleading with him to just submit Vince the first time he teased the big finish. The repeated chair shots and weapon shots just came across poorly, and pretty much killed the crowd stone dead in their seats. 13 years in the making, and nobody cared…

Anyone else notice the shot of Bret stood in the ring and Bill Goldberg’s name and retired number in the background?

Loved the Edge/Jericho match, even though (broken record time) it felt really short. Jericho is just such an unlikeable character that they could put anyone in against him and it would work. Edge has the look of a man who is treading water as a face until he turns heel, but at least he looked fit and sharp. Cole’s insistence that EVERY move was directed at Edge’s Achilles tendon verged on moronic at times. Jericho took the win in what felt like a TV length match… Edge’s spear off the table spot looked AWESOME, and was almost THE WrestleMania moment of the night.

The Divas match was as awful as I feared it would be. Everyone got to hit a finisher, yay. Now go away. Thank you.

For all that Cena and DAVE are decried for their ring work, their match was really, really good. Horrible booking choice in having Cena win, but really good match between the two. DAVE as a heel is just about the best thing on Raw, and even in this match, he played it up. Cena’s Marine led entrance was just bizarre, although the shot of him running down the ramp at full speed will doubtless look great in a WrestleMania video recap package.

And you know what? Fair play to Cena, his rolling out of the ring to celebrate with a bunch of folks in “WE HATE CENA” shirts made me chuckle. The guy doesn’t take himself too seriously, an unusual thing in this business. DAVE either gets a rematch somehow, or I get the impression he’ll be butting heads with Randy Orton next.

As for the BIG match, the one the card was sold on – Taker / Michaels, part 2? I thought it delivered. It was by far the best match on the card; it gave us the BIG WrestleMania moment, in Michaels’ moonsault onto the announce table; it tugged at the heartstrings; it was dramatic, it was emotional, it was a brutal, old school type match, and for me, I thought it better than last year’s effort.

Both men knew each other well, and the match dictated that – at one point, Taker teased the big flying Dead Man Outta Control jump over the top rope, but HBK dived back into the ring, knowing it was coming – it was little spots like that, with continuity from the first match, that made this a great match for me. The ending, with Taker attempting to show some mercy on Shawn, and Shawn’s pride demanding that he go down fighting was amazing. The look on both men’s faces, especially ANGRY TAKER, put this over the edge as a classic. Finishing on a jumping tombstone was a nice spot too.

I got the impression through the match that Taker AND HBK were running on pretty much empty near the end. If HBK is to finally and properly retire, then this is as good a way to go out as any; Taker will doubtless take his usual post WrestleMania sabbatical off the back of this. This match was as perfect as it could have been. I absolutely loved it.

That match alone would have made ‘Mania a good show – add in the Batista/Cena match, a decent Jericho/Edge bout, a good HHH/Sheamus tussle as well as the MITB spotfest, and the potential genius of Punk/Rey to come? All adds up to a great WrestleMania for me.

Have fun, go mad.

2010 in Wrestling

Well, hello.

Welcome to 2010! Yeah, bit late I know, but I’m like public transport – I take my time, but I get there in the end. Except in the case of extreme snow. And staff shortages. And, y’know utter incompetence. But besides that, It’s all good.

In any case… I find myself sat here with a cup of coffee in my thinkin’ mug debating to myself what the next 12 months of wrestling will hold. I figured I would dig out the old crystal ball – don’t ask – and take a peek into the murky depths…

JANUARY

With the pseudo-resumption of the Monday Night Wars, TNA deal a fresh blow to the WWE with their latest inter-promotional raid – by deciding NOT to make a move for Michael Cole.

Scott Hall, amazingly, remains in a job.

FEBRUARY

Bret Hart is reportedly unhappy… he bought some furniture from Ikea, and after assembling it, was said to have complained about the screwjob.

Funaki escapes the latest round of releases, furthering the theory that he has polaroids of Randy Savage and Stephanie McMahon.

MARCH

Hulk Hogan decides enough is enough and he needs to step in the ring to try and save TNA. His match is scheduled for May, so with his mobility, he needs to start his walk to the ring now.

Vince McMahon kills off ECW, as expected. It’s replaced with an hour of Hornswoggle performing stand-up comedy.

APRIL

Randy Orton throws a freaky-deaky while he’s boarding a plane in Chicago, as someone in New York looks in his direction. American Airlines flight 309 is delayed as a result of a Boeing 737 being RKO’d on the tarmac.

Ring of Honor do something or other… nobody really notices.

MAY

Jeff Jarrett is through with TNA and looking for a job with the WWE after he finishes his quest to sleep with the wife of every man on the roster.

Jack Swagger wins a match… no wait, that’s a bit far fetched even for me.

JUNE

Dwayne Johnson decides that he likes wrestling again, mainly as he has a movie coming out that he needs to promote. Not that I’m being cynical or anything. John Cena nearly cries as he sees a proper movie star on Raw.

Jerry Lawler physically explodes live on air during a Divas match.

JULY

CM Punk loses a match to Charlie Haas on PPV as punishment for wearing a baseball cap that is dark blue instead of light blue. Somewhere in energy drink land, Bradshaw nods approvingly.

Chris Masters’ left pec is released from the WWE. TNA express an interest.

AUGUST

The DX merchandise machine suffers a blow as the DX bedding range has to be recalled. Apparently, the Triple H bed sheets refused to lay down.

AJ Styles breaks the laws of physics during a match and vanishes into the fourth dimension.

SEPTEMBER

TNA’s recruitment drive reaches new heights as Big Dick Johnson debuts on PPV and pins Kurt Angle for the title in a three minute squash.

Ted DiBiase is still awaiting his face turn.

OCTOBER

The wrestling world is in shock as Kevin Nash is shown on screen actually giving a damn. Nash apologises to his fans and promises never to let it happen again in a statement released from his solid gold hot tub.

The Bella Twins have no point. That’s not really a prediction, but I just thought I’d throw it out there.

NOVEMBER

Michael Cole‘s career may be over as the Oxford English Dictionary announces plans to strike “vintage“ from the dictionary.

Homicide is still trying to escape the Steel Asylum.

DECEMBER

Hulk Hogan is gone from TNA. He delivered a rousing 2 minute goodbye speech, but nobody noticed as it was buried in between The Nasty Boys eating donuts and Scott Steiner babbling incoherently about his arms.

Chris Jericho is still banned from Raw… despite being on the show every week so far this year.

~~~~~~~

And that’s that, folks. Stay tuned and see all these things happen! Maybe. In the meantime, have fun, go mad.