Time is on my side… or maybe not.

Know what’s annoying about wrestling these days? Time. Everything is in a rush…

Know what’s annoying about wrestling these days? Time. Everything is in a rush… this guy is the next Rock, this guy is the next Austin, this guy is gonna be the new Hogan… it’s bull.

Back in the day when I watched wrestling most, there were 4 pay per view gigs a year in the WWF/E. Matches, feuds, personal issues – they were all built up over time. By the time the eventual PPV match came round, you’d actually invested some quality time into the problems between the two guys/teams, whatever. Gimmick matches were once in a blue moon, triple threat matches even more so.

There was no such thing as a match being made just days before PPV or even thrown onto the PPV as a result of a confrontation actually ON the PPV itself!

Take, for example, Kofi vs. Orton – as I write this, already they’re planning (or that’s the road it seems to be going down) a one v one match for these two. The problem between them started, what, two-three weeks ago?

Orton vs. Cena has been going on for months, and personally, I’m tired of it. Why? Because they have been fighting on every PPV once a month at least in ever escalating gimmicks, higher stakes, loser leaves town, last chance at the title, mother on a pole, you name it matches. It’s overkill.

Edge vs. Cena was the same – total overkill. What’s the next big money match on the horizon? Where’s the next Rock vs. Austin? When Edge comes back from injury, he’s gonna be thrown into a feud with someone he’s probably already fought hundreds of times before. Cena and Trips and HBK hit the nail on the head with their little throwaway promo on Raw – they’ve all beaten each other so many times, that personally, I don’t care anymore.

Yes, I know wrestling is pre-determined (never use the word fake, trust me) and that these guys are all good buddies “in the back” – but you know what? It’s about suspending belief for that period of time that they are on your screen, in that ring. For example, I know that the characters in House and Bones are acting – doesn’t stop me becoming engrossed in the stories they tell. I know that Guybrush Threepwood in the Monkey Island games is just a collection of pixels, but it doesn’t stop me getting involved in the next chapter of the game.

All these things… they tell stories. Wrestling is all about telling a story. It shouldn’t just be a case of “I’m a good guy, you’re a bad guy, let’s have a fight” and they fight on and off for 6 months and end up pretty evenly matched in wins and losses. What does that prove?

Look back at the last time you got excited about a title change. For me, it was Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. Why? Because they were the underdogs. They clawed and scratched and dug their way to the top based on the fact that got in the ring and told actual stories that drew the punters to them. It doesn’t matter that they weren’t particularly well supported “backstage” or that they sold lots of merchandise, or whatever.

The people that count, the fans – that’s you and me, brothers and sisters – invested in these guys. They bought into the story they were trying to tell. It didn’t matter how The Powers That Be tried to alter things so that peeps were buying into the magical cash cows that sold shirts. Those guys won the belts because of fan power.

It’s the exact same reason why Hogan, for example, is a multi time champion and still a huge deal, even at his age and with his level of performances. It simply doesn’t matter that he’s not the greatest wrestler to ever lace his boots up – I highly doubt even Hulk would argue with that. The fact is that Hulk is amongst the best at understanding the bigger picture.

Hulk gets it. He gets that to be successful, fans have to want to see you. Whether it’s to see you get your ass kicked from Albuquerque to Parts Unknown, or to see you finally get your revenge – if the fans don’t buy into the character, the story… then it’s gonna come off as half assed and forced… See Cena, John for an example of that.

Can anyone seriously say they give a damn about John Cena vs. Randy Orton part 15 when you know that it doesn’t matter what happens, they’ll be fighting again next month? Don’t just keep throwing these guys together because Cena is the “top face” and Orton is the “top heel” – give them a real, genuine reason to be at each other’s throats.

Kofi and Randy has the beginnings of a story like that, but this being the WWE and post-Russo crash TV era where everything has to be resolved within a month, they’re more likely to blow that than do the right thing with it… I sincerely hope they don’t. Kofi is a unique talent in the WWE – he does things in a different way to almost everyone else. If we could just stop Michael Cole saying “Controlled Frenzy” when he’s wrestling, that would be even better…

Show me the feud just now that’s on a level with Randy Savage taking issue with Hulk Hogan; show me the match that has the fans buying into it like Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart; show me the personal issue that’s festered for as long as Raven vs. Tommy Dreamer… Hell, even something like Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy should have been a lot more epic than it actually was… but it all felt rushed and hastily pieced together.

There are people in the business today that have the capabilities to make people buy into them, hell to DEMAND that you watch them, to invest in their “character” – but do the creative powers that be have the guts to let them do it? Or do they just want to throw them into a short feud so they can throw on a gimmick match to try and spike the buy rates on the next PPV, just 3-4 weeks after the last one?

And you know that these are the same people that will make excuses to their shareholders that the business just isn’t the same these days… and they’re right. It’s not. And it’s definitely not for the better.

Have Fun, Go Mad…

“I respect you, Bookerman!”

Brian Pillman was one of wrestling’s greatest ever rebels, but unlike so many, he could back up his rebellion with sheer unadulterated talent in a way that nobody before did, or has since.

I wanted to do a piece on a guy who I loved, but time and wrestling history have often overlooked, yet he was one of the true rebels in the business; Brian Pillman.

Pillman was always a rebel of sorts. As a college American Football player, he was a stand-out for his position, despite being shorter and lighter than almost all his peers. Relying on speed and technique to get by, he ended up on the second team All American line-up – amongst his counterparts, one William “The Refrigerator” Perry. Despite playing to such a high college standard, he went undrafted to the NFL.

He did briefly make it to the NFL, however, with his hometown Cincinnati Bengals, but his career petered out. He had a failed attempt to extend it with the Buffalo Bills and eventually ended up playing in the Canadian Football League for the Calgary Stampeders, a fateful destination, as he would meet Owen Hart and eventually end up training in the legendary Stu Hart dungeon.

Making his debut as a wrestler for the Calgary-based Stampede Wrestling promotion in 1986, he quickly built a reputation as a high flier. By 1989, he’d returned to America and began working with WCW, where he established a reputation for being a quality high-flier, incorporating Mexican-style lucha moves into his arsenal. Pillman’s matches with Jushin Liger and Barry Windham during this time were especially noteworthy.

In 1992, Pillman tagged up with a then “Stunning” Steve Austin to form the Hollywood Blondes and became arguably the best tag team in North America, even headlining a Clash of the Champions against The Four Horsemen, who Pillman would later become a member of in 1995.

Up until now, Pillman’s story has been pretty much standard; ex-NFL star takes up wrestling to make ends meet, becomes quite good, finds his spot in the mid-card. Right? Wrong. The mid 90s is where Pillman comes into his own. It’s where “Flyin’ Brian” dies and “The Loose Cannon” is born.

Superbrawl 6. Eleventh February, 1996. Brian Pillman vs. Kevin Sullivan in an “I Respect You” strap match; the loser would be the man who said “I respect you” to the other. Sullivan and Pillman start fighting, for maybe less than a minute… then Pillman grabs the mic and utters those four words “I respect you, bookerman” and walks away. Kevin Sullivan was not just his opponent that day, but was the booker for WCW at that point.

Remember, this is in the fledgling days of the internet and ‘smart marks’ were few and far between. Bookerman was such an inside term that practically nobody would have understood it back then. Pillman had come up with this idea for him to be a loose cannon – to portray this insane, over the top lunatic. What made it unique was that Pillman wanted to base his character in reality – to work not only the people watching, but the guys in the company too.

Wrestling lore has it that only Pillman, Sullivan and WCW boss Eric Bischoff were in on it. Pillman would bemuse his peers and fans alike with his bizarre behaviour, leading up to his firing in 1996. The plan was supposedly for Pillman to be “fired” go to ECW and build up some legit heat and return to WCW in a blaze of glory.

Well, the plan was slightly different in Pillman’s mind. He’d decided that his career was nearly over and he needed one last big pay day. What better way to get that than to make himself the biggest talking point in wrestling, and then become a free agent, able to basically name his price? By working Bischoff and WCW to the point that they actually legally fired him (Bischoff under the impression that he and Pillman were working the whole angle together) Pillman became a free agent.

He did go to ECW. Not for Brian Pillman a quiet, understated entrance, doing the all conquering hero act… no, he “invaded”, insulted and actually threatened to piss in the ring, even having a planted fan to beat up just so the notoriously smart ECW fan base would boo him out of the building. They did, and he duly worked a few dates and built a name for himself, much like former tag partner Steve Austin.

Pillman’s days in ECW were numbered as he was never going to stay out of the limelight that the Big Two at the time offered – everybody knew it – but before he could leave, he was involved in a major car accident that would eventually lead to his ankle being surgically fused, putting a halt to his high flying and forcing him to adapt his style. He would return to the ECW airwaves in a wheelchair, still antagonising the ECW faithful, then signed a guaranteed deal with the WWF – one of the first to get such a deal.

Pillman debuted and carried on his loose cannon ways, but would need more ankle surgery before his WWF in ring career could properly begin – Steve Austin would shoulder the on screen blame for the ankle injury – targeting Brian’s ankle with a steel chair in a move that was christened ’Pillmanising’, but even before Pillman was fit to return to the ring, he would participate in a memorable angle with Steve Austin, where Pillman would defend his home during a ‘live’ interview and threaten Austin with a gun, featuring one of my favourite ever wrestling moments:

“Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman 9mm, I’m gonna blow his sorry ass straight to Hell!”

Brian would become an adopted member of the Hart Foundation, some said even of the Hart family, and feud with Austin some more, then move onto Goldust and Marlena – again blurring the lines between fact and fiction by referencing the fact that Pillman and Marlena (Goldust’s real life wife, Terri) had dated in the past. Pillman’s feud with Goldust was due to come to a head and he was scheduled to face him at the In Your House 18: Badd Blood show. Brian never made it to that match as he was found dead in his hotel room the day before the show.

In my own humble opinion, Pillman was one of wrestling’s greatest talents, vastly underrated in the ring and out of it by fans. People including Steve Austin, Eric Bischoff, William Regal, Paul Heyman, Jim Ross and many, many more cited him as a genius.

Pillman’s promos and delivery were way ahead of his time. His Loose Cannon character was the first to intentionally break kayfabe on TV and ushered in a new, darker direction for wrestling. The Attitude Era was foreshadowed by Brian Pillman. Even in the ring, in his injury free days in WCW, he was a true innovator, blending the American style with fresh foreign moves and wowing the crowd.

Pillman was one of wrestling’s greatest ever rebels, but unlike so many, he could back up his rebellion with sheer unadulterated talent in a way that nobody before did, or has since. If you get a chance, check out the Brian Pillman: Loose Cannon DVD as a fitting tribute to a huge character, a great wrestler and a ground breaking innovator.

If you don’t get wrestling, turn away now!

So, Vince McMahon – the guy that owns the WWE and thus owns wrestling – has taken over as CEO of his own company. Slightly boring news, no? Not really. You see, he’s done this to replace the outgoing CEO… his wife, Linda McMahon. Where’s she going? She’s running for senate. Yep, a McMahon in power! Dontcha just love the way life imitates art?

So, Vince McMahon – the guy that owns the WWE and thus owns wrestling – has taken over as CEO of his own company. Slightly boring news, no? Not really. You see, he’s done this to replace the outgoing CEO… his wife, Linda McMahon. Where’s she going? She’s running for senate. Yep, a McMahon in power! Dontcha just love the way life imitates art?

So she put out this very slick video package – no surprise really, the WWE are top notch video producers and they know how to promote as well as anyone.

The video was very safe, very middle of the road, and had no mention of her former job, only stating that she was a CEO of a company that created over 500 jobs… but you see… I can exclusively reveal there is another video that had to be extensively re-shot after the cameras stopped rolling… but being the intrepid journalist that I am – HA! – I have found a transcript…

“Hi, I’m Linda McMahon. I’m a former CEO of a publicly traded company, whose name I won’t tell you in case you think I’m some kind of bemused redneck who gets confused by electricity.

When you’ve run a successful company for as long as my husband has – sorry… for as long as I have, then you learn a few things. But then again, you forget more than you learn due to repeated steel chair shots and concussions. You also forget more than you learn due to repeated steel chair shots and concussions, not to mention forgetting things due to repeated steel chair shots and concussions.

My husband’s – sorry, my previous company created over 500 jobs right here in Connecticut, most of them done by Chavo Guerrero.

I am a firm believer in equal opportunities, as long as you’re not Canadian. I promote family values, you only need to look at some of my TV work, where my husband flaunted his affairs in front of me and my children on live national TV, all in the name of good clean family entertainment!

Of course, any candidate is only as good as their policies, and as such, I propose the following key points

  • Creating more jobs for Connecticut residents by expanding the manufacture of steel chairs, wooden tables and bamboo canes.

  • Every family to be given access to Pay Per View television.

  • Strengthening Connecticut business in the Sports Entertainment sector by lobbying for closure and/or purchase of Florida based “wrestling” companies.

  • Declaring November 9th as National Screwjob Day, where the nation remembers great betrayals of our time.

I trust each and every one of you to make the right decision. And remember, if you work for my husband, and you don’t vote for me… YOU’RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Vote smart. Vote McMahon… and that’s the bottom line, ’cause Mrs. McMahon said so!”